So you are lonely,

So you’re lonely.  You get coffee by yourself.  You check your horoscope to try and see if it’s a good day for finding love.  If it’s a love day you put on your shiniest lip gloss and hope for the best.  When love doesn’t show up you drink your coffee alone and patiently wait for the stars to align again.

You think about why you’re shy, and how it seems to come so easily for other people and why you have to be the one with the racing heart when you’re surrounded by a group of new faces.  You wonder how certain people seem to wind up with so many Facebook friends and if they really know all 897 of them personally.  Books keep you company which is more than enough most of the time but you’re human and at times you dream of more.

Sometimes you feel ordinary.  There isn’t much that sets you apart and you feel like you blend in too well with the sea of souls living normal lives who all have egg timers waiting to go off inside their hearts.  You feel like you’ve wasted too much time to do what you thought you wanted to do and at the same time what you thought you wanted wasn’t what you really wanted at all and it wasn’t who you were.  You feel like you need to reinvent yourself but you’re not sure how and that Goddamn clock is always ticking.

Sometimes you don’t want to be you anymore.  Sometimes you think you’re smart but sometimes you think you’re dumb which is why you sometimes think you’re ordinary.  Never feeling like you actually know who you are makes you wish for a reset button.  You want to change everything but at the same time you wouldn’t change a thing.

You like your nose but you hate your thighs and your boobs are fine but they could always be bigger.  You’re never sure if you’re good enough but you make an effort to remind yourself that you’ve been brainwashed by the soulless airbrushed bodies of the beauty magazines that you can’t get out of your head sometimes.  You still buy Cosmo anyway and you’re not sure why.

Sometimes you wonder if you’re insane.  You’re not sure if you mind, either.

So you’re lonely.  You get coffee by yourself.  You stare at the barista that you’ve decided that you’re in love with and you make up his persona in your head and mold him into the version of the boy that you think that you need in order to make you feel whole.  You create a story and project the idea of what you want onto to the boy pulling the espresso shots.  The indie movie fantasy comes to life in your head and you imagine yourself as a braver person.  The imaginary boy makes eye contact with you and you look away as fast you can.

Who I am? I’m her.

8 gânduri despre “So you are lonely,

  1. …And sometimes you just need courage. That kind of feeling who gives you strength and power and push you to the limit you wanted to brake but you couldn’t just by yourself.That thing…is what I’ve done a couple of days ago. I tried to pus my limits and do something that I wanted deep down me, but I always rethink-ed. And i made a huge mistake, because you know what? Those fucking shits who are promoted today are just bullshits. You are what you are, you’re not perfect, your not the most beautiful, you’re not the smartest, but you’re not ignorant like the rest of the people. So take a brake, and be yourself, ‘cuz at the end of the day that’s all that you are. Trying to be someone else just so you could prove a point is a big waste of time. At some point all those bitches will fall apart, the high school will be over and you will be by yourself in a world were only the smartest are winning. Stop being shy, but don’t make a huge thing about it. Take baby steps, try to get out of your comfort zone, and if you want a tip, do stupid things, without thinking twice. I’ve done it and i meet the maybe-possible love of my teeneger-life :))) Stop using FB because honestly is a stupid shit that makes you crazy (been there, done that). I would say give the fuck your stupid horoscope but unfortunately i use it too :)) (I believe in karma so the horoscope is not far behind ). And I think you’re bigger problem is that you drink way too much coffee! No shit, this thing will really get you killed (…says the girl who used to smoke). I’m a little out of my book too when I’m in the middle of a big group and i usually say a lot of stupid things but who cares, I’m not the only one on this fucking planet and anyway, this thing will be forgotten ‘till next week :)) And if books are not enough in those moments watch a movie or something :)) but don’t do stupid thing, that never helps. God, i can’t believe that you little thing have problems with your look! you’re gorgeous damn it! we’re all different, and being a skinny bitch isn’t the ultimate thing, so you know. I used too think that way too, ‘cuz you know, i’m freaking taller and i can spit on the heads of 90% of my schoolmates :)) But if I have to say a honest opinion, i totally agree with everything that you said. I have moments like that too and sometimes worser that it. The trick is to always keep in mind the thing that define you, the thing that you do the best and put you on the front of the list. If you found that thing, you will have the power to move one every time. And yes, I do the thing with the barista too, most on the street or places with lots of pretty faces :)) What’s my fault if they are so good looking? :)) Damn this world, yeah :))

    • Oh my god, that made me laugh :)) Ok, first…how can you be yourself when you don’t really know who you are? That’s my first problem. I guess everyone lives for something, most of people find a dream to follow. What’s your dream? I don’t know mine yet. Another problem. First, I thought my most important purpose would be love. And I wish it would be this, but everyone thinks that kind of story-like love doesn’t exists. So…yeah, tha purpose it’s not good enough, besides you can’t follow love. It will find you…or not, ‘cause it’s not a fairy tale.

      So, tell me dear, what do you wish for? What do you fight for? What gets you out of your routine and what makes you happier everytime?

      I wrote all of these because I feel ordinary. I don’t have any special talents…and i’m not that kind of sociable person that is liked by everyone. I’m kind of the second choice of everyone, so I really don’t feel like I would have that special sparkle that someone needs to be important. I’m just a pathetic little girl who dreams about a boy that she can’t have and who is not important for more than three or four people…

      and i got used to it, maybe that’s the problem… but how do you change this thing because I tried and I never managed to make a difference.

      • That’s the thing, you will never know who you are. Your entire life will be a journey, a search for the ultimate you. You can’t live waiting for the moment when all of this will be revealed. You have to live with the amount the information that you already have because is a lot more that yesterday and yet a little less that tomorrow. The most hard thing of all is to accept that. And if you stop for a second and think, I assure you this is a psychological exercise, you can put on paper all the things that you are; you’re a girl, you’re a student, you’re a daughter, you’re a friend, you’re a valuable classmate, you’re a best friend, you’re a writer, you’re actually of the most taught girls i know. And that’s only the beginning🙂 Live for that, and if this is not enough continue the list and you will find lots of persons who depends of you, and you can’t let them down. You don’t need actually to have a dream, but you need to be aware of the things you’re good at, the things that define you. For me, when i have rough moments, i remember that i have a sister who loves me to the earth and back and depends on me, that I’m the best student in my class and that i kick anyones butt on literature,history and English. I’m a freaking olympic and I have made the name of my school a hell lot more shiny this year. I remember that I’m a reader, that i have 200 children home who I can’t disappoint :)) I’m a writer ,I’m so good at what I’m doing. I’m a friend, but to be more specific I’m a best friend to someone. Maybe I’m not a lover yet, and maybe I’m not a lot of things till now, but what I have, do you realize that so many people don’t? And I’m sure that if you do a thing like that you will discover your porpoise. Love does exist, but not when your 16. This isn’t an important thing right now. But if you really want, you cold do that, but you’ll transform in a kind of person that most of the people hate. I have colleagues like that, and to say it blank, they have a crappy life. So, even if you have a charade of guys around you, you will not be happier. I’m not happy every time, I have shitty moments every day, but making a big deal out of it , will not help me at all. I have really big dreams, I want to matter in that world and I’m a hell of an ambition type of person.I have a really big vanity and self-pride to be lower that the people around me. That’s my strength, that’s my power, and when I want something, believe, I move the mountains from their spot and do it, because I know I CAN. And that’s a really hard thing to find. If your goal is to be perfect in your social life, your losing time. I’m not either, but i don’t care and don’t want to be. I like the persons who are around me in this moment and I don’t want more. Your not ordinary, for that I can assure you. You have special talents who makes you unique, like writing – and don’t dare to say you not! :))) It’s ok to dream of boys, but the problems is not that you can’t have them, it is that they don’t deserve you. If the guy was really worth it, he would see your interest without saying a thing. To be honest I had a thing like that last year, with a guy that make me think of thing that i didn’t know their possible, and when i was sure that he is the right guy he cheated on me with my friend. So, yeah, crying after a boy is a biiiiiiiig waste of time. Your important to a lot of people, you just don’t see it because your fixed on this supposition. Your important to me, just so you know ^_^. You can start by being more rude and bitchy with the others. You need yo make your pride so big that you will feel suffocated by it. You need to look in the mirror every morning and to say that your beauty exactly the way you are and if your not perfect, the hell with that, that will not make your life any batter. Make a difference with your intelligent and your sarcasm and your big mouth and crazy attitude. I’m so far for being perfect, I don’t like the way I look, I curse my family for being so tall, I have issues because I’m not skinny but I want to be, and I can continue that way till tomorrow. But I don’t let that things, those stupid little defects define me. Your not just a body and a lover, those are part of you that you didn’t reached, but hey, you have time (your only e teen, that’s what I say every time :))) I’m a really weird person, not many people can hang out with me because I’m so complex and moody that I can’t stop pushing them apart. I hate everything sometimes, I hate myself and I want so much to change all of it, but i can’t, so I start thinking at the things I’m best at. And it’s working, not every time, but it’s just enough for you to see that it’s ok to feel sad, as time as you now you can move on. And you have friends, real persons who are there for you, and I’m one of them, so you know, give me a call when your sad, really🙂

        • Oh Lexy you know when you don’t talk about these things with anybody you feel like you are different and like you don’t fit, but really when someone opens to you, or someone tries to „reach” you like you did…it really really helps because you know, I sometimes forget how many opportunities this blog has given to me… the most important, you as my friend and someone i can talk to (even in english :)) don’t you feel better just talking in english? I don’t understand but it sounds better or safer…) and so many great people. And yes, you are right, at 16 this is not the most important thing – a boy, and all these breakdowns from…nothing actually – i guess it’s because of being a teenager :)) but it’s just the lonelyness and it makes you feel a little different and that makes you think of other things… and you feel like you are totally alone against the world.
          But you know, moments like this one when you read something beautiful from someone special and you feel supported are the most valuable and important…
          Thank you Lex, for being here and always knowing what to say to make it easier. You are, for sure, someone I am taking as a model🙂 I wish I would be as strong, confident and happy as you are all the time❤ love ya'

        • Yeah, I know how that feels, and the worst part is not when you don’t have persons to talk with, is when you can talk to someone but they don’t understand you. I have a best friend, really love her, but we can’t reach that kind of connection, that kind of understanding and relating. Yeah, actually is really fun talking in english, even if after i post the comment i realize i made mistakes writing so fast :)) I want to talk in english most of time but i don’t have with who, ‘cuz my friends aren’t so ”based” with their vocabulary. The most cool time I had speaking in english was when i went to Spain with a girl from my school for a week and I talked in english every second :))
          Oh, yeah, I really dream about boys too, believe me :)) There are so many hotties in this world :)) I know, I actually feel this way most of the time, especially when girls your age or littles that you have a boyfriend, but it’s ok, we didn’t find the right guy yet, so the waiting must be a hint to something specially that is prepared for us🙂
          You just need to remember that even if your not so freely into talking with strangers, even if your not having a really important social life or a boyfriend, your not lower that other girls, but even better ‘cuz you’re smart and beauty and honest. Be bitchy, fake it with them, and keep your had up. Be sure that in the end your prince will come driving a Porsche, yeah :))
          You don’t have to thanks, ‘cuz you don’t have for what🙂 I’m your friend, damn, sure that I will be there like a little stalker :)) It’s actually easy,because i was there too (hated the 9th class) and I wanted to hear that stuff but i didn’t find that persons who nows what to say when i needed it the most. Yeah, sure, the hell of a model :)) You made me blush, but I’m soooo far for being took as someone like that🙂 I’m not happy all the time even if I want to be, but hey, i have friends i can count on so i feel lucky🙂

        • Oh my, a Porche would be.. something that I wouldn’t refuse :> :> :> well, i don’t like playing the bitch, but I’m stubborn as hell so if I don’t like a person. I just don’t and i hate her from the start to the end :)) with those kind of persons I am a bitch :))
          I tend to be kind to everyone and even when I’m mad…it sucks cause I try to be serious and intimidating and the…tears. WTF eyes?! WTF.
          oh, trust me, I wish you could be here or nearby just to go out with you and talk about anything and everything ‘cause you and other people who read my blog and talked to me through it know me better than anyone and so… I guess I trust you more than other persons, knowing we can talk anything and not judge🙂 And yes, Blush, because you are someone I’m trying to learn things from😀
          *congrats! I wish i would go somewhere and talk in english all the time :)) *

        • Yeah, that’s a thing I do too :)) It’s freaking annoying, all the tears and all, but when I’m really nervous I can’t stop myself from doing that. I wish that too, but Iasi is pretty far, yeah :)) Love ya Rya:*

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